O SAY, I CAN'T
SEE
When I'm not wearing my glasses, I'm basically
Velma. I don't have my prescription handy, so I can't give you the exact
severity of my condition -- nor would I ever provide you with so ready
a weakness to exploit, you traitorous devils! -- but my ability to focus
tops off at about four inches from my face.
I got my glasses in second grade, around the
time that the teacher, Ms. Lanham, began to suspect that my poor performance
may not have been because I was stupid and inattentive, but merely
because I was nearsighted. One eye test and a trip to the mall later, and
Ms. Lanham was delivered conclusive proof that I really WAS stupid and
inattentive, because by that point I was able to see the chalkboard as clearly
as any eight-year-old who ever had a pound of shaped glass strapped to his
head.
My first glasses were bifocals. Most
people have to work their way up to bifocal lenses through the normal course
of becoming very, very old, but I had an advantage in that my optomitrist
back then was a bit of an alarmist. Soon I was delighting crowds and bullies
alike with a unique optical illusion -- if I turned my head upwards, I looked
like a turtle, but if I turned my head downwards, I looked like a dork.
Yes, in case the image has entered your mind,
I can confirm I also wore a strap on my glasses. I think they refer to those
things as 'athletic straps,' because they're supposed to keep your glasses
from flying off of your face during strenuous physical activity. Now, none
of the physical activity I engaged in at the time was so strenuous that I
probably couldn't have balanced a soccer ball on my head in the meanwhile,
but I needed the strap because I had, and continue to have, a tiny, inadequate
nose. Even now, with Featherweight technology and wire frames, I'll still
have to hoist them up pretty frequently, but back then, with plastic frames
and inch-think, soda-bottle lenses, that strap was the only thing that kept
my glasses on, even if it also kept my head pulled floorwards.
Oh, and my lenses were tinted, in case you
were still picturing a kid with a shred of self-confidence. This was the
eighties, so it was more-acceptable then than now, but it WASN'T the seventies,
so it couldn't, under any circumstances, be considered a virtue. In fact,
more often than not it was a detriment, because these things had a change
rate of something like ten, fifteen minutes. Recess was only a half hour,
so half of my time outside was spent with no noticeable tint change in my
lenses -- not that it mattered much outside, because, really, I was never
in the high-risk group for UV poisoning. However, the change DID eventually
occur, and reached its peak just about when it was time to go back into the
classroom. The light change from a sunny schoolyard to a dim classroom is
significant anyway, but walking in with tinted lenses had a definite
'sunglasses-at-night' effect, only instead of it being so I could, so I could
keep track of the visions in my eyes, it merely kept me from seeing anything,
including joker classmates sneaking up to administer a wedgie.
And that's what being a kid is all about.
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