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Have you been peacefully wandering the Western hills, gathering bundles of red sage as if you had any idea what they were actually used for, when out of nowhere a cougar kills your horse, swipes you across the midsection and begins feasting on your intestines even as your barely-functioning nervous system causes your numb extremities to twitch helplessly?

 

Or what about when you’re stalking wild deer, carefully selecting targets to strengthen the overall population and conserve the herd as a resource for future generations, when a cougar de-cloaks, drops out of a tree, and forces a six-inch dagger into your kidneys?

 

Or what about when your widowed mother invites you over to have a delicious home-cooked meal and be introduced to her new fiancee, who, when you arrive, is revealed to be a cougar in disguise who has been conducting an elaborate, five-month campaign to break your mother’s heart (after having her sign over power of attorney and taking cruel and shameful advantage of her in her vulnerable state), physically and mentally abuse your little brother, and stage a false but nevertheless convincing scandal which ultimately sees you fired from your job?

 

Seriously, cougars, what’s your freaking DEAL?

 

Science may not have fully plumbed the question of why cougars are such evil, spiteful, hateful creatures – scientific research into the subject no doubt having been hampered by the powerful pro-cougar extremist lobby! – but that doesn’t mean you can’t just grab your shootin’ irons out of the back of the sock drawer and kill and kill and kill every last cougar until not one of the hell-spawned monsters befouls the clean air of God’s earth!*

 

So come along and help perforate some degenerate felines in the spectacle of violence that is “Town Defense,” or check out a one-minute demo of the moderately-addictive power-up-based “COUGARGEDDON,” which is now available cheap as dirt (good-quality dirt, that is, from a reputable dirt dealer) in the Spookingtons Store!

 

*although you’ll want to check your local fish and game regulations

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