Hi, everybody — time for a break from the pirate story, while I step back and figure out where in the heck it’s going. In the meanwhile, let’s get back to the Spooking, with a little segment I like to call…
Norm Gripes About the Horror Movies That the Kids Are So Fond of, These Days!
Catchier title, soon!
First on the chopping block — and I’m betting that you junior spookers probably already had the “numb horror” reaction covered on this — they remade “House of Wax” as a slasher movie.
I know, it’s a “re-imagining,” rather than a remake. “Re-imagining” is the term producers of such movies use to indicate that nobody involved really wanted to try all that hard. The only current “re-imagining” I can think of that had any merit whatsoever was the recent “Dawn of the Dead,” which pleasantly surprised me by being a pretty good action-horror flick, despite having nothing to do with the original.
I predict that nobody will ever use the words “pretty good” to describe the new “House of Wax.” Outside of the film’s promoters, of course, who clearly hate you, anyway.
The original “House of Wax,” if you remember it, was about a wax sculptor (played by the one and only Vincent Price) whose double-crossing fink of a partner set his wax museum on fire, in order to collect on the insurance. The sculptor was thought to have perished in the blaze, but turned up months later, alive but with disfigured hands. Now unable to sculpt on his own, the sculptor opens a new wax museum with the help of a mute assistant. The new museum is rather dark, however, depicting ancient tortures, and recent murder scenes ripped from today’s headlines. But how does he get his figures to look so lifelike?
The original “House of Wax” was not, all things considered, a classic (except in the terms of those who use the word “classic” to just mean “old.”). The storyline wasn’t particularly deep, the scares were a little bit contrived, and, just to remind you that it was shot in 3-D, those who watch the flat version at home now will be treated to a 2-minute sequence featuring a ping-pong paddle arteest, plying his trade at the camera. But I’ll tell you what this movie had going for it: Vincent Price.
The names “Vincent Price” and “Paris Hilton” should never have been allowed to be connected, even tenuously. Yet, here comes a new movie that sees fit to poop all over his good name, curse the devils!
Early reviews of the new “House of Wax” have not been kind. Or, possibly, they HAVE been kind, and the movie just sucks even worse than they’re letting on. This is NOT a good trend.
Horror movies are in a commercial upswing, right now. Though we haven’t had a genre picture released this year that anyone could objectionably consider good, these movies all start off very strong at the box office… but they die fast, just like the annoying teenagers that are supposed to be carrying them. What’s bad about this situation is that we have awful movies like “House of Wax” or snoozers like the “Amityville” remake burning up territory that will, eventually, diminish the crowds coming out to see any good horror movies that should arrive in the future.
What’s to be done? Well, making good horror movies would seem to be the first move, but, of course, nobody ever asks me…
Second disturbing item! I present to you the trailer for George Romero’s “Land of the Dead”:
http://www.apple.com/trailers/universal/landofthedead/
The trailer starts off strong, making allusions to “Night of the Living Dead,” “Dawn of the Dead,” and “Day of the Dead” (only footage from Night is shown, however, suggesting a move inspired by frugality, Night being the only one of the trilogy in the public domain). Then, all quite… darkness… and just when the audience least expects it…
Hair metal guitar riffs.
This music continues over the whole of the trailer, and is an excellent example of how NOT to score a zombie trailer, especially not one by George Romero himself, f’r gosh sakes. But my ire towards the marketing people may be misplaced; there’s a lot about this movie that’s making me edgy.
John Leguizamo, for instance, has not appeared in anything in which I did not desire to just look away until his part was over, and he has apparently been handed top billing in this epic. On a slightly different hand, Dennis Hopper has been featured in perfectly acceptable roles, but seeing him playing a wealthy industrialist type smacks of a certain, stereotyped performance that one would really expect Romero to be well above, by this point.
Despite all of this, the most nerve-inducing portion of the entire trailer was this statement, uttered by some random character:
“They’re communicating; they’re thinking.”
Oh, no.
I aint seen the movie, of course, so I don’t know if my fears on this are justified, but, man, no. If you have thinking zombies… well, then… don’t they become… people? I mean, rotty, smelly people, sure, but we have those, now.
I accepted Bub the zombie in “Day of the Dead.” It was bending the premise a little, but the concept of a post-human who still retained some of his cognitive abilities did not break the movie, because Bub was a rarity; one zombie out of billions. If “Land of the Dead” is trying to give us an army of Bubs… shame on you, Mr. Romero. Shame.
Even if it’s just a little bit more intelligence — that’s still too much, you know? Nobody goes to see a zombie movie in hopes of watching them express velociraptor-like feats of reasoning. There are very definite Romero-zombie rules, and while I concede that its his priority to change them if he sees fit, the idea of smart zombies kills my enthusiasm. It’s just not the same beast.
Till tomorrow, junior spookers, remember, zombies say “rrraaaaaaaauuuuurrrrrrrgggghhh,” not “Hey, you!”
I do remember zombies saying : ‘Brains’ once - in some flick that I have long forgotten the title. Shows you how awake I was on a late night horror show when I was back in me college days. And yes, if Zombies thought or had cognitive reasoning, they would in fact be smelly, dirty, rotten people; thus meaning I have zombies roaming around in my office now!! My Gosh! So that is why they smell so bad!
Oh - and about the House of Wax remake - when I was in the theater and trailer came on for that particular film; I all but snorted when I saw Paris Hilton - I mean come on?!! Although, if I knew that she was to bite it in the film - I may have bought a ticket just for the satisfaction of seeing her and her poodle get the ol’ dipper-roo in the vat of hot wax. BUTTTT… being that Paris Hilton is about all but MADE of wax - I doubt it would do her any harm.
eh- I am just bitter. That girl has so much money, it but makes me gag to think that her toy poodle eats better than 90% of the American people.
Thanks for the reviews Norm, I shall stay clear from this re-Imagineering films.
Comment by Nora — May 6, 2005 @ 5:11 am | Edit This
The movie you’re thinking of is most likely “Return of the Living Dead,” or one of its sequels; I allow the “Return” zombies simply because the movie isn’t presented with anything like a serious nod towards science; in that movie, decapitated bodies still possess enough intelligence to try to attack people, dead people run like the wind, and brains supposedly have a pain-killing agent. It’s a horror-fantasy movie, no matter what “chemical” they try to blame it on.
Night, Dawn and Day were horror sci-fi; aside from the dead being reanimated with an urge to feed on human flesh, it adhered to some pretty strict rules; if you cut off the head, or destroyed the brain, the zombie would stop functioning. Only the recent, unburied dead came back to life; too much rotting, and the bodies no longer functioned. Zombies possessed less-than-human strength; if the zombies were underground, there was no way they’d be able to burrow to the surface. Very strict rules, hence my trepidation!
Reportedly, Paris Hilton’s death scene is getting cheers in theaters; the rest of the movie, however…
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Something inside me died when I saw Paris Hilton’s face during the trailer.
Rich does not a good actress make.
Nor does lots of makeup and expensive dresses an attractive woman make.
Gosh, I wish she’d keel over.
…can’t wait for the next chapter in the story!
Comment by ZZT-X — May 6, 2005 @ 10:32 pm | Edit This
Why do zombies try and kill people anyways? If they can’t think, they wouldn’t know if they were doing it for revenge or out of pity for themselves or just for fun … because they wouldn’t be aware of these things. Or maybe I should just shut up and stop ruining the fun
Some people like random killings.
Comment by mortifiedpenguin — May 8, 2005 @ 11:39 am | Edit This
Penguin — raw instinct. The theory expressed in the earlier “dead” movies (understand, of course, that they never give a solid explanation for zombies, in the first place, though they allude to strange radiation from a returning space probe in Night of the Living Dead) is that the reanimated corpses retain only their base instincts, this being the portion of the brain that decomposes last. Why they’re drawn to humans, specifically, isn’t known, but the reason they attack is because of an insatiable need to feed — but NOT for the nutrition it provides, since a zombie without a stomach will still try to eat you.
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So, for a few weeks, Miles was busy doing a professional painting job for us, as well as cutting and installing shoe moulding in our kitchen and living and dining areas. Miles turned out to be a pretty interesting guy. He had no car, and rode his bike …
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